My name is Grady Wayne, and I’m going to be your guide for how to properly throw a bachelor party in Vegas. Now I have to forewarn you, this article is going to be straight talk…man to man. As a matter of fact, the folks who asked me to write this wanted me to be extra careful about sharing my own experiences, because most of you reading this won’t go as far as my insane friends and I. Some of our escapades border on or entirely jump over the line of what is legal and allowable in Las Vegas, Nevada. So for the sake of my editor (and I suppose the legal system in general), I’m going to leave out things that I may or may not have ever done, like sharing a bag full of mushrooms and riding the elevated train up and down the Vegas Strip with a couple of insanely beautiful working girls. But what you do in Vegas is up to you.
So I’m going to be talking to you, Mr. “It’s my job to organize the bachelor party, and I want it to be amazing.” I’ll do my job right, so that you can do yours right. It’s an important mission, to be tasked with making the bachelor party a night you and your buddies will talk about for the rest of your lives. So follow my advice, and you’ll be a legend.
Where to Start
Welcome to fabulous Las Vegas. You’ve just stepped into Disney World for adults. Scratch that. Disney World sucks. This is Shangri-La meets Pinocchio’s Pleasure Island if Hunter S. Thompson were the ringleader, with a healthy dose of Monte Carlo and a Hedonism Resort. Anything you want is available here. She’s like an old lover that you know is bad for you, but you can’t stop jumping into bed with, when she calls you every six months or so, because the sex is so good.
Step one. Spring for the limo at the airport. The Uber and the Town Car would cost you about the same anyway. When you’re here, you are Sinatra. You are James Bond. Have the big guy in the monkey suit waiting for you at baggage claim with a sign that has your buddy’s name on it. Walk in like you own the place and slide suavely into the back of a stretch limo. If any of your wardrobe includes camo, you can opt for a stretch Hummer. And speaking of Hummers, set the rules in advance whether anyone is or is not getting laid. Pay attention, because this will be important later.
Choose Your Hotel
It always astounds me how magnificently inexpensive it is to live like a king in Vegas. I remember the first time I went, I booked a room at Circus Circus. I don’t want to offend anyone here, so I’m not going to make specific recommendations or talk down about any establishment. But let’s just say, the minor cost differential between hotels is well worth the incremental extra expenditure. So do your research ahead of time. Check out the pictures and reviews online. Help your buddy remember this as one of the best nights of his entire life.
How to Start Your Night (otherwise entitled “Why You Should Wear a Suit”)
Vegas is full of old people, in their cargo shorts and Walmart shirts. Would you like to look like a total baller at dinner? Wear a suit. Do you plan to gamble? Wear a suit. Do you want to get treated like royalty? Wear a suit. Would you like to move to the front of every line? Wear a suit. Do you want women to pay attention to you? Definitely wear a suit. You can be anyone you want, when you’re in Vegas. Don’t be a cubicle farmer with no social skills. Channel your inner Tony Stark. Wear a suit.
My life was changed when I read Drew Carey’s autobiography. He talks about showing up in Vegas, putting on a suit, throwing dice at the craps table like you have nothing to lose, and being surrounded by gorgeous call girls. Have you seen Drew Carey? He’s not the epitome of debonair masculinity. Trust me. You can be anyone you want in Vegas. Dress the part.
Decide Your Limits: Booze, Drugs, and Sex
Too often I see people get to this playground without properly understanding their own personal limits. And in full disclosure, I’ve been the guy in the corner of the airport, with my sunglasses on, curled in the fetal position, praying to all things holy that no one tries to talk to me, as I wait for my flight home. But that’s neither here nor there.
If you’re not already a heavy drinker, don’t start slamming those gigantic sugary pitchers of cheap vodka and rum. And for Odin’s sake, don’t order martinis if you’re not used to it. Martinis are like boobs. One isn’t enough and three is too many. Pace yourself. This night is going to last until tomorrow. You need to do the same.
Drugs are as illegal as they are plentiful in Vegas. Don’t follow my example. If you find yourself blasting pencil-width rails off the tanned and supple rear end of a stripper in your hotel room, you are breaking the law. Also I’m pretty sure the rest of your family and particularly the bride-to-be would rather not get a phone call from you and the groom in the Clark County lockup.
Be cool. And if you can’t be cool, play it cool. Know your limits going in. If you’re not a cigar smoker, don’t light up a footlong Churchill just because you’re in one of the last places on Earth, where you can smoke without going to jail or at least drawing judgement from all the soccer moms in the room. You burn that stogie down, and you’ll be vomiting by midnight. Vegas is a marathon, not a sprint.
Women. Yes that is a sentence in and of its own. I’m assuming that if you’re reading this, you’re probably the Best Man and in charge of this bachelor party. So it’s your job to make sure your groom has the most fun he can possibly have, without violating his moral boundaries, or at least without getting caught for doing it.
Those of us who consider ourselves Vegas pros are very much aware that women, be they paid or unpaid, abound in this desert oasis. The pickup artists among you will be fully aware that the bachelorette party is to single men what Costco would be to a mother of six, if one day a year everything was free. And if you’re not lucky enough to find a tribe of single women on the hunt, you are very likely to find an army of women breaking the law in Las Vegas by offering affection at a price.
And this is an important note. Prostitution is illegal in Las Vegas. It is completely legal the next county over. I would strongly advise not making your bachelor party the unwitting subject of a vice sting operation. You’ve been warned. That being said, I’m not going to say that I haven’t been the patron of some pretty amazing ladies of the night. I’m also not going to say that I have. Because that would be illegal. You’ve been warned. (You’re welcome Mr. Editor.)
So what should you do in order to elevate the last few days of freedom and excitement for “The Bachelor” in your bachelor party? Allow me to offer some suggestions.
Bachelor Party Stripper
Let’s assume that you’ve already had a great limo ride to the hotel, you are finely dressed in a sharp-looking suit, and you ate a solid, protein and fat rich dinner, so you don’t get overly drunk whilst you partake in the alcoholic offerings Vegas has to offer.
You did some gambling and then you made it to the Playboy Club, because they have a bartender there who can throw a handful of napkins like a frisbee, behind his back, without ever looking up, and each one of them lands perfectly in front of each new guest at the bar, as he reads your mind and starts to make your drink before you even order it. Also they have an escalator in back that brings up all the working girls in little, black cocktail dresses…and even though you have no intention of hiring those girls for the night, you may as well make use of their ample cleavage and easy, enjoyable conversation to set the mood.
Now you have moved on to the end of the evening, and it’s time to get a little crazy in the hotel room. So you hire some number of strippers (although they prefer to be called dancers, and trust me one isn’t enough). Gentlemen, there are right and wrong ways to do this. But let me assure you, you should do this. Some people might opt for a fishing bachelor party. Some guys might get really excited about a bowling bachelor party. But if you ask me, there’s no bachelor party like a stripper bachelor party.
Let me give it to you straight. This can either be really great or the absolute opposite. Don’t screw this up for your buddy. Stand on the shoulders of giants and take some advice. For the love of Zeus, don’t show up unprepared and at the last minute foolishly Google “stripper at bachelor party.” You and your buddies are about to spend an hour and a half in the hotel room circlejerking to a bunch of crap bachelor party stripper videos. If you really want a stripper for bachelor party fun, here’s how you do it.
Side note: I’m 100% in favor of everyone living their best and truest life no matter what that looks like. But being heterosexual myself, I’m going to assume that we’re talking about a female stripper at a bachelor party.
If you’re anything like me, you probably spend a decent amount of time online, and you already know that there is a relatively great bachelor party stripper tumblr. But if you’re into watching things like that, please let me assure you that all of it is set up, and you need to have a realistic expectation of how your night is going to go. If you hire a stripper for a bachelor party, you need to understand there’s a big difference between escorts and strippers.
Strippers have a license or permit from the Sheriff’s office, which means they have gone through a background check, they have no felonies, and they are professionals at what they do. And if you are smart, you will hire a service that provides this type of girls. Unless you’re into meth addicts, thieves, and felons. But I suppose that’s up to you.
Now I have a lot of “buddies” who have some pretty wild bachelor party stripper stories. And I’m not going to say I don’t know anyone who’s ever talked about fucking a stripper at a bachelor party. But let me explain it to you this way.
A Las Vegas bachelor party stripper is a professional, who is there to do one job and most likely not the “other job.” A good stripper can make you feel like you’ve had sex with a stripper, even if there was never any penetration. I’ve seen girls at an all nude show who put plastic wrap over their pink parts and let guys go down on them. But it’s extremely important that you have a conversation ahead of time and find out what the rules are, as far as contact, so that you don’t get yourself in trouble or put a girl in a position that makes you feel like a piece of trash later.
If you have ever looked at any bachelor party stripper pics, you’ll understand what I’m talking about. Things can get pretty wild. However I’m going to recommend that you don’t plan on any stripper bachelor party sex. That is a different kind of service. But I will say that these girls are independent contractors. And what they do when they are “off the clock” is up to them.
This is probably a good time to say I suppose the same probably goes for anyone out there who wants to have a male stripper bachelor party. Either way, my experience tells me that it’s pretty easy to find your perfect example of a Vegas bachelor party stripper.
How to Order a Stripper for His Bachelor Party
For those of you who are inexperienced on how to do this, I’ll give you a few pointers. For instance, you may be wondering about money or how much to get a stripper for a bachelor party.
Once again I recommend more than one. With one girl and a room full of guys, it can actually feel pretty uncomfortable. I would suggest a minimum of two but more likely three. The prices are obviously going to vary. In my experience, you can plan on a minimum of $250 for an exceptionally good-looking and talented dancer to make an appearance in the room. I know you’re going to want to plan a sexy stripper bachelor party, and not end up with a lackluster hoodrat, fighting to hang on to her last, good teeth. So don’t spare the expense here.
There are several companies who specialize in bachelor party stripper booking. So do your research ahead of time and find a reputable company. As you walk down the strip, you’re going to hear the ubiquitous Vegas “fap fap fap” of the promoters, paid by the hour to hand out flyers with naked women, promising a wild night. Some of them are legit. Some of them are downright awful. So again, do your research in advance.
And don’t be afraid to ask for exactly what you are looking for. If your buddy has a fetish for a girl in his office, call the company and specifically order a shy secretary stripper bachelor party. Remember, you can be whoever you want to be in Vegas. So the sky is the limit. Let your imagination run wild.
Now just for a moment here, let’s talk about the moral issue. You may be asking yourself, “Should I order a stripper for my friends bachelor party?” This is where we invoke “Bro Code.” Yes I know that sounds a little cliche. But it’s a real thing. It is completely acceptable to have a conversation ahead of time, where you all agree that “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” If anyone asks, you had a great dinner, and you lost a bunch of money gambling, but you had a wonderful time. And under no circumstances were you going to let your dear friend, who’s about to be married to the love of his life, be stripped down and have three beautiful, naked women rub themselves all over him. Stick to the code.
Is it ok for a stripper to be at a bachelor party? You’re damn right it is. As a matter of fact, shame on you if you don’t.
“A stripper for a bachelor party, that is so cliche.” That’s what you’re going to hear from the women. You know why cliches become cliches? Because it is such a part of society that it demands to be repeated. So you want to know the answer? Don’t tell them about it. Don’t say a word. And if you have that one friend who tells his wife everything, make sure you have some dirt on him, and make sure he knows you’ll share it with the world if he squeals. Bachelor parties are important. You have a duty to uphold here.
And what happens if a stripper at a bachelor party gets drunk and goes down on your groom buddy? Shut your mouth. Hers was open. Yours is closed. This is vital to the sanctity of bachelor parties. Remember Tyler Durden. The first rule of Fight Club is you don’t talk about Fight Club. The same goes for bachelor parties. There should never be a wedding cancelled, because some poor bride says, “My fiance had sex with a stripper at his bachelor party.” This is your duty. I’m giving you your marching orders. Don’t fail me.
Finishing the Night
You’re drunk. You’re happy. You may or may not have creamed in your pants. You may or may not have hired an escort out of the pool of them illegally hanging out in your hotel lobby, because the stripper got you so worked up. But most importantly, your groom, your best buddy, had the most incredible night of his single life. And he can go happily into his wedding and marry the girl he loves more than anyone on this planet, knowing full well that his buddies will never breathe a word about everything that happened at his bachelor party.
If you’ve done this right, it should be about six in the morning. So lay around in your hotel room. Talk about the crazy times you had when you were in college. Talk about how tonight was better than anything back then. Recount the stories of the VIP treatment you got when you showed up at the club, a Band of Brothers dressed to the nines, got moved to the front of the line, and spent the night dancing with the single girls, doing shots out of belly buttons and from between boobs. Live your lives to the fullest, because you only get one shot at this. And fall asleep victoriously, knowing you planned the perfect bachelor party. You’re welcome.